Seven, almost eight months since I’ve had the urge to get my feelings out. I re-read my last post from August…and laughed. August me seemed so…defeated. She was lost, stuck, almost hopeless. Reading all the reasons why I was in my feels made me chuckle, because all of those so-called stress factors? I haven’t thought about them in months. It’s crazy how much can change over two seasons.
For one, I was 100% overreacting about my family. I now find myself prioritizing them, becoming more and more like them, and finding a new kind of understanding for our differences. Is this what growing up is like? It helps that I have a newfound strength for my character. Being first generation leading two very different lives, I have now integrated them into one – my beautiful Arab-American story where I am 100% me, whether my values carry a piece of my culture, Western society, or a mix.
My existential crisis is still ongoing, but not as intensely as it once was, mostly because I am on a path that I believe in. Eight months ago I had just moved back to my home state after almost three years of travelling for work, wondering if I had made the right decision. I was shaky in my career path, not knowing what my new job would hold or where it would lead me. My hobbies were battling it out for attention within my mind, each one wanting to be practiced and improved, each one showcasing a different part of me that I so badly wanted to build up. I still make a list of these hobbies every once in a while, in hopes that when a rare hour or two of free time slips through and make its way into my week, I can close my eyes and point to that list, surprising myself with a creative outlet I wasn’t expecting anytime soon.
Eight months from now, when I look back at this post, I know I’ll be wondering, what point have I reached? How did I end up in a place where I could laugh at my troubles over half a year ago? Well, for starters, my job gives me mixed emotions, but most days it’s good. It’s challenging. I don’t think I could have a career that didn’t push my limits to some extent. I’m getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable, with being incompetent in the areas I am inexperienced in. I’m getting more comfortable with my coworkers, with my supervisor, and with standing my ground.
I look back at the goals I made almost a year and a half ago – and I met every single one. I moved back to a place I plan on staying in for a long while; I found a job that allows me to feel challenged, welcomed, and opportunistic all at once; and I started grad school. Yup, not a typo, I actually started at the perfect time. I won’t be done in three years like I had hoped (even high-functioning anxiety-ridden perfectionists need their time off), but I’ll finish eventually. All of this in itself is enough to keep me grounded – knowing that even though progress acts in silence, if you’re patient enough, you’ll notice how it’s shifted your environment.
One of the biggest parts of eight months ago that brought up a smile? The hostility towards my longest and deepest partner. Hate had festered inside of me for a full year, I was teetering between forgiveness and fury. Knowing that he had moved on so quickly while I was stuck in the past was the hardest piece of knowledge I had to live with. Funny enough, I saw him two weeks ago. That was all I needed for peace to wash over me. I can’t explain why, and I can’t explain how, but the minute we started talking, it was like catching up with an old friend. Neither of us revealing any deep content from our lives but skimming the surface enough to communicate our peace with each other. It took me a full year to finally let go, and let me tell you, it was the most emotionally freeing I had felt in a long time. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long.
Right before I saw him, I started dating someone else. A very short-lived relationship, about two official weeks, a month and a half in total. We were still in the honeymoon phase, of course. Nothing serious had happened yet – but it was the first time I had felt hopeful within a relationship since my last one. It was a great feeling, one that was I hesitant on leaning into. When I finally started to relax my doubts…he slipped right out of the picture. On mutual terms, as it always starts. And as it always comes to be, he eventually revealed some information that exposed what the situation really was….what was really going through his mind. That feeling of festering hate started bubbling up again, but this time it was joined with defeat. Emotional exhaustion. Something similar to what I had felt eight months ago, but somehow evolved. I was sick of this feeling, frustrated that I had to go through the same cycle. But reading my last post, I realized that if it really is a cycle, I will eventually reach the point I’m at now – scoffing at me from eight months ago, wondering why I was ever so stressed. No matter that I have been seeing a second dinner plate in his stories recently. No matter that the speed with which he moved on brings back a feeling of deja vu. I know that this will eventually pass.
I have nothing left to say but to remind myself to focus on the good. Always focus on the good.
blurtwords 