Passion is Color

If I asked you to name your biggest dream, what would it be? Don’t think about any factors that might get in the way, imagine you could 100% certainly get over those obstacles. Think about it…

…okay. Now think of all the reasons why your biggest dream isn’t attainable. Make a list if you need to. Give me every single little reason. Think about it…

…okay. Take a look at your list of reasons. Is there any way to get past them? Is there any possible way that you could find a way around them, to overcome them?

There is no correct answer for that. It all depends on how you feel about taking risks. Let’s take an example: me.

I am a mechanical engineering major. Of course, this is a STEM major, meaning that it’s a lot of math and logic and less creativity (throwback to one of my first posts, “Emotion vs. Logic”!). When I apply for scholarships, almost every single application asks me something about my major and/or my future. You know what I do? I bullshit my answer. You know why? Because I don’t like mechanical engineering. In fact, I don’t like engineering at all.

I have recently realized that I want to do something that involves creativity, I want a chance to use the right side of my brain. I have all these creative ideas floating around in my head that are dying to be used, but I have nothing to use them for. I realized that I was wired to be creative – and engineering doesn’t give me that opportunity.

Why did I choose to major in engineering? The real reason is because I had no idea what I wanted to go to college for. Back then, I knew I liked math, and anything else that didn’t get me at least $70,000 a year was impractical in my young mind.

My dad is an engineer (like the rest of my family), and so he suggested engineering. I said okay, mostly because I really didn’t know what else to do. Thinking about it now, I should have switched out after the first semester of college, but I was scared. My parents would be disappointed, I would most likely be behind, and I would be spending a ton of money on something that I’m not even sure I liked. It was a big mess in my mind, and it still is.

When I think about what my biggest dream is, I would say it is to dedicate my life to the arts – film (specifically, music video production), vocal performance, acting, hip-hop dancing, all that jazz (pun intended). It doesn’t even have to be those specific careers, I would be happy with anything that would allow my creativity to be used.

If I had to give you all the reasons that are holding me back, I could narrow it down to 3 big ones:

  • I would have to move to a big city if I’m really serious about this because these are more of an LA/NY kind of thing.
  • There are definitely people that are better than me so I might not be good enough to get far.
  • This might not work out in the end and it might be a big waste of time.

Back to the point of this post: would I take these risks? If I was rich and confident in my abilities, then that would basically solve everything and I would definitely go for it. But I don’t have a lot of money (I’m a college student for crying out loud) and if you get to know me, you’ll find out that I am way too insecure about myself to ever fully believe that I can make it big. So the answer is no, I probably would not take these risks.

BUT

I am thinking more and more about it. I am trying to make myself confident in taking these risks because I know that I would be a lot happier if I spent my time doing something that I love instead of working behind a desk crunching numbers.

However, even if I do end up overcoming these obstacles, there is one other factor that would be holding me back: lack of support.

My parents are very…traditional. They would love to see me happy, but they also want me to have money and a stable life. They support me switching out of engineering – but they would rather me switch into something of equal or higher annual salary. Do you see where I’m getting at? They would have a heart attack if I told them I was dropping out of college to go live in NY and live off of a minimum wage job until my big break.

Honestly, I don’t know a lot of kids that say this, but my parents’ opinion mean a lot to me (unfortunately). I don’t want to disappoint them, ya know? They’ve risked so much and gave up so much for me to have a good life that I don’t want to screw it up for them (one of my earlier posts goes into detail about that, I’m pretty sure it’s “My Family is my Strength and my Weakness”).

Aside from my family, I don’t really have any other direct support. I don’t see the need to bother my friends with this issue because I personally think it’s a stupid issue that I can get over pretty easily.

Again with my insecurities – I don’t like bothering people with my problems, which is ironic because I looove when people bother me with theirs! I encourage people I don’t even know to talk to me about their problems. Of course, I warn them beforehand that I’m not very good at giving advice, but I can listen very well. I just like being there for people. But I always feel bad when people are there for me. It’s a weird insecurity.

Anyway, back on topic, there ya go. That is how I feel about my future. This post is everything that is weighing me down lately. Everything.

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”

That was a quote from Maya Angelou, an American poet. I relate to this quote on such a deep level, I agree with every word. My problem is that I know my life right now is just me trying to survive, trying to be stable. I am missing the passion, and without that, my life is bland, which is the exact opposite of how I want to live.

The picture above is me running past the finish line at The Color Run. I thought it was very fitting because The Color Run is known as the happiest 5k on the planet. Why don’t they throw black and white colored powder on runners? Because nobody would be as happy running a 5k through bland colors and crossing the finish line wouldn’t be as exciting.

Color not only brightens everyone else’s day, but it also brings the best feeling of joy and accomplishment to you when you cross the finish line. Anything + color > anything + black/white.

So whether you are a risk-taker or not, think about what you want most from life. Think about what it’s going to take to get there. You need to want it so bad that you are willing to mold a new life for yourself around it.

Whether you do or don’t have anyone to support you, I’m going to tell you something that will hopefully get you going: if everyone worked for money and certain stability, the world would be a very grey place. Do the world a favor and give it some color.

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